Back and forth. I try to suppress it, but it keep resurfacing like a cork in the water. I let my hands take another crawl, and think: Just let it go. Just let your thoughts work for themselves. But it sticks, like glue going wild.
They say that sometimes the wrong foot touches the floor in the morning, and you have a day less perfect than you wish for. I noticed this feeling immediately this morning, but I knew resisting it was meaningless. I wanted to have fun, but the day was not meant for fun. You can`t always get the day you want, or the mood you want, and I know this as life. I`ve been threading through days like these, many times before, and I will many times more. The best I can do, is let myself be, focus on what must be done rather on how much I don`t want to do it. But the claw sits in my stomach and my throat. I just want to be happy, but it won`t come.
I put on my mental Alanis Morissette song and let it be:
This is the first part of a documentary about self-harm. It`s a scientific video that show that self-harm is more common than we think. We follow people who have harmed themselves, and who receive treatment with mindfulness. We see how the brain activity changes as their skills for regulating emotions develop.
I spent so many hours in their world, and therefore it scares me how little I remember from all the plots and stories I`ve read. I have never been good at remembering things afterward, I cared more about the experience there and then. How it was to feel what they felt, how surprised I could be over certain ways to think, and how my heart would beat when something was dangerous. Emotions. They are still here. I don`t sit down to read, I just look at the covers and feel the emotions from the past tingling inside me.
It is so nice to see those books again. I couldn`t have brought back these memories and feelings on my own, no matter how hard I tried. I needed to see them physically to remember. I remember how I read a bit, put it down, and the happiness when I had time to sit down with it again. The sad stories, the horror storries and the romantic stories, they were all urging me to continue, to find out how it all would end.
It has been so many years. I still read my stories, especially biographies and nonfiction. I open the chest of history and look at it`s organs. I examine it, still, and while doing it I also realize how precious little time we have. How many stories will I hear, before I die? How many times will my heart feel joy when someone find their prince charming? How much rage will be motivating me because I hear stories about abuse and suffering? I need to dive in it, and I need to feel. But sometimes I must also remind myself that my own story needs content. It needs feelings and people and thoughts. It needs insights, hurts and happy endings.
Where am I right now? Still sitting and waiting for my family in the home where I grew up. Soon my two small (energetic) brothers will fill the rooms with laughter and babbling. I love it and I love them. And maybe I will find my own love, soon? Maybe in some years times it will be me who looks at our children, and feel happiness swell in my chest? I am ready to grab my story, lift it up and carry it with me whereever I go.
decisions of our past are the architects of our present.” D. Brown: Inferno.
Have you ever seen the skies draw apart revealing the image you longed to see? Your own oasis in the desert; Your very
personal mirror image.
What do you see?
Have you ever felt sure on what your mission in life will be? Don`t panic if you haven`t. I`m not certain these experiences are classified under “normal” anyway. I`ll confess I`ve had several strange insights and thoughts through life, often after waking up after my eyes have fluttered from side to side in their world of dreams
After working with EMDR, insights happen even more frequently then before, like a thousand blaring lightbulbs. Sometimes it`s hard to follow my train of thought and ideas, but the most important message is that we still like each other and want to understand even the most confusing things in life. I have learnt so much from these people. For example I`ve realized that sometimes I have to draw my breath and let the ideas I present settle, or I`ll just confuse people even more. I have also tried to learn the art of grounding, and most of the time I manage to live without floating too far from the earth.
The curious people around me know I`ve been working on something important (to me) the last weeks.
What`s in the picture?
True enough, I have put energy into this, but it doesn`t mean that I`ll poured over books too heavy to lift. I`ve lived my life to the fullest while letting my (surprisingly clever) brain do its magic consciously or unconsciously, requiring some practical work every now and then.
Not everyone knows, however, that I`ve actually worked for months on what will I`ll reveal as my New Mission in Life tomorrow.
I`ve asked myself the same question countless times: Why is life so short? But until I figure that one out, let me continue with what I`ll learnt so far:
“Nothing is more creative…nor destructive.. than a brilliant mind with a purpose.”
“Denial is a critical part of the human coping mechanism. Without it, we would all wake up terrified every morning about all the ways we could die. Instead, our minds block out our existential fears by focusing on stresses we can handle—like getting to work on time or paying
(I am fond of his books, but not denial)
“I’m a fan of the truth… even if it’s painfully hardto accept.” — Dan Brown
I also have some bad news that might frustrate some: From tomorrow I`ll password-protect this blog. Some might think “Oh lord! I`ve been waiting for this “revelation” for WEEKS now, and this is what I`ll get in return?”
If this described your thoughts, I do apologize. I can only assure you that we`ll all get our cherries in the end.
Of course, you can shorten the waiting time by writing an email (firstname.lastname@example.org) and the password is yours to keep.
I won`t say much more now; Some might even have an inkling what my new project will be (I have belief in the fearless conscious and unconscious mind) and tomorrow you`ll know for sure. Until then, we all make our small steps that sooner or later will alter the future of humanity.
“consider this. It took the earth’s population thousand of years-from the early dawn of man all the way to the early 1800s-to reach one billion people.
Then astoundingly, it took only about a hundred years to double the population to two billion in the 1920s. After that, it took a mere fifty years for the population to double again to four billion in the 1970s. As you can imagine, we’re well on track to reach eight billion very soon.
Just today, the human race added another quarter-billion people to planet Earth. A quarter million. And this happens ever day-rain or shine. Currently every year we are adding the equivalent of the entire country of Germany.” — Dan Brown
The man who set all this in motion with his theory
I`m not sure I believe in coincidences anymore, especially not after I saw the theme for the weeks DPChallenge. The sound of .. has been my theme, so it feels like faith that the weekly challenge is also my personal challenge in the years to come.
The events in Ukrainehas triggered to many of us. We start to think about evil and injustice. If you think too much about that, it`s easy to feel helpless and scared. Completely natural and reasonable, but if we only focus on the bad things, we feel powerless. A dear friend of me lost a friend in Ukraine, and my heart reaches out to her and all the people who lost their lives because they dared to break the silence that many of us worship. Luckily, I know the power of breaking the silence. Like a freeing laugh in a tense situation, speaking up releases a cascade of reactions sorely needed. Put you`r imagination on fire and mentally hug your ability to change things. Who knows, you might be the person who started the chain reaction, leading to a better world for us all.
For people in need of more inspiration to battle helplessness, these pictures and this site might give you the necessary encouragement.
I lie in my bed after a shower. I’ve tried to wash away the day and give
my feverish body energy to fight nasty bacterias who fight their (hopefully) dying battles. Birdy’s wings plays in the background, setting the mood. In two weeks my life will take a different turn. I will not live in the same apartment I’ve stayed in for three years, but move back to my father and then into the apartment me and my boyfriend have bought together. Changes, always changes. Sometimes so many that I’ll have to sit down and think about it all: The last year has been like living inside a bubble of crazy incidents. I’ve been like a manic cat trying to catch birds that fly in all directions. I have enjoyed the roller coaster, and will continue to do so. But sometimes I need rest, like everyone else. That’s when I type these words or let my eyes settle on solid pages that never change. Writing, reading and thinking have been my closest friends for many years, and they will be for many more. I love them as much as I love my exuberant new friends: They always smile, have thousands of dreams and ideas that they manage to follow through. My golden luck ill wear with pride around my neck. I’ll never forget the Chances I’ll been given, and try to give back as much of it as I can.